Take me back

So for a lot of people reading this blog, you know a little about the road that's brought me to who I am as a mother and can understand why I look at my Kendall and hug her tight... knowing what could have been.

But for those who may not know me as well and even for those who do, I'm going to say something that may shock and surprise you.

When we first found out in August 2008 that our 2-month old daughter had a rare heart defect that without invasive open heart surgery, would take her life, I lost reason, hope and understanding of everything. But with the miraculous hands of a team of doctors, surgeons, nurses and hospital staff, her heart was spared. So were ours.

The hours before her surgery were agonizing as we waited for the unknown. The minutes of holding her in the pre-surgery room were moments that I can honestly tell you I was at my weakest. But the minutes, hours and days that followed were ... well ... beyond any imagination.

You see, at that moment - that second where I let go of my child not knowing if I'd see her alive again - that's absolutely the moment that God took my hand and put me in His. For the next 5 hours, I was His. I knew nothing but His Love, Grace, Mercy, and Hope. The messages on the beeper kept coming in from the surgical team and it was like it was God telling me that He had it all under control.

I remember listening to my favorite hymns on my iPod and reading out of my mother-in-law's Bible, scriptures in Psalms, Romans, Isaiah ... reading of strength and how prayer was the lifeline to God. I remember reading messages from friends, family and even people I didn't know telling me at that moment that they were praying for my daughter. I saw friendly faces, beautiful flowers and testimonials from people who had survived these surgeries.

Seeing her after surgery and the hours and days that followed didn't get easier, but it was okay. I had God's love flowing through me and all the support and strength that friends, family and Believers around the country were sending.

My Heart2Heart is this: Take me Back.

No, I don't necessarily want to go back to those exact times, but there lives in me - and I think all of us - a place that you feel completely at peace and connected to your soul. In my life, I yearn to feel that warmth that only God can provide and there are many times I forget. But when I do, I go back. I remember the beauty that was all around me. I know that any struggle that I deal with now is all in His Plan. In that, I have peace.

I know there are many of you who have those moments. Whether they were hard, difficult, happy, sad ... they are YOUR moments. Treasure them and go back when you need the strength to get through this life.

It's really not that gray...

To be honest with you, I had already written half of the blog I was going to write tonight planned in my head. I was quite excited about it. I had already planned to name it "It's all Gray To Me" and tell you all about how the gray that my hairdresser got out of my hair and the new haircut I got made me feel great and that it's all about what's on the inside that counts.

Yeah, yeah, yeah... all that. But once again, "my" plans were foiled. It happened in a matter of seconds.

I was already thinking about my blog and what I would write. But as I was about to read Kendall one last book (her latest from the library, Hero Cat), she reached up, turned around and cupped her little hand under my chin. She looked at me with the most loving eyes and nestled down into me and said "Rock Mommy".

With those two little words and the click of the lamp, I knew as I held her close to my heart in her dark room that I really don't care about the gray now. I mean, yes, it is great that I don't have to worry (at least for the next 3 months) about those crazy gray hairs ruining a perfectly good hair day. It's wonderful to feel my age again.

I know that every temper tantrum and "meltdown" that I share with Kendall will keep the gray hairs alive and well. I know that every aggravation that I get when I just don't think I'm being the best mom or wife will result in at least one gray strand.

But I realized something as I sat down to write my post tonight. My heart2heart
is this: Bring it on gray. I will cherish every second I have with her. I will remember my mistakes and frustrations and learn from them the next time. Without the gray hairs, how can I know that I am growing old with the people that I love?

So really, in 3 months, when my stark black strands slowly begin to fade into some silver "highlights", it's really not going to be that gray to me. And though I will most certainly spend the money to have them turned back to black ... I'll know that what I see is really not that gray. What is there are all the memories and moments that only come as we grow old together.

My Tale of 4 Fish

After spending some wonderful time with my grandparents today, I had some more insight to something that some may find a little odd. My grandfather (PaPa) decided to take me fishing today ... something we've done together since before I could write. It may seem weird that I love to fish, but it's really about my PaPa.

This is not a picture from today,
but this is similar to the type of catfish we caught.
This is a picture of my PaPa's boot and shoes :)

Anyway ... we always talk about "how many" we caught. A mess here ... a dozen there... and that one that always slipped away. Today, however, we only caught 4. Now to many of you who do not fish, you may think - Wow ... that's more than I've ever caught. But it's a pretty low number for us. But I realized today, it's not so much about "how many" ... it's the ones that we do have.

The four channel catfish we caught averaged about 5-6 pounds each! That's quite a fish. The pull was great on them and they were definitely keepers. After we got back, I was asked several times ... how many did you catch? Well, only 4 ... but I'm just as proud as those 4 fish as I am about the dozen or so on a "good" day.

Now, here's my heart2heart ... I don't know about you, but now that Kendall is 2, I get asked often ... "what about baby #2?". Well... what about it? Is it bad that I just don't feel compelled to have a second child? Am I being selfish that I just want it to be our 3-person family (well, plus the cat...)?

No .. I think about those fish today. I know ... at least for me ... it's about my "quality" of the fish that I have. It's not about how many kids I have, its about what I have in my own heart for the family God has blessed me with.

This is not against anyone have more than one... Praise God for the miracles He blesses your family with. But this is about me. At least right now, when I have a beautiful and amazing miracle who looks me in the eyes every day and tells me she loves me. It's about the contentment that I have when I look around me and realize ... I love those four fish. They're perfect.

Holding back the floodgates

I'm resisting. I really ... am ... trying... to hold it together.

Oh what the heck. No more holding back the floodgates.

...


Okay. The tears were worth it. I went back and looked at a special video I put together with some very special moments and photos. I realize how precious a gift that time truly is. I mean, the gifts we have...Wow, what a treasure.

As I rocked sweet little K tonight and put her in her toddler bed, it really felt surreal. Surreal because I know that in a few more years, I'm going to be looking back at this night and the first time I put her in the toddler bed. I know this because when I walked out of her room this evening, I remembered the very first night I put Kendall in her crib. The feelings were a little different.

Kendall's first look at her new bed!

On June 18, 2008, I put her in her crib and staggered to my bed and quickly succumbed to a "long" nap of 1-hour (until she was hungry again). Tonight, July 10, 2010, I slowly walked out almost wishing she would sit up and say "Mommy ... one more hug and kiss...". But as I glanced back, she was snuggled in her new bed and I wished only good dreams for her and a lifetime of wonderful moments for all of us.

I pray all our wishes come true. Yours too.

My Heart-2-Heart for you tonight: If you have your own floodgates to let loose, embrace it. It's probably going to be worth it.

You mean no more crib?

So it feels a little weird tonight. Kendall is sleeping in her crib... for the last time! That's right, we bought a toddler bed and are putting it together tomorrow. I'm a little sad, knowing that 2 years ago, we were new parents, learning the whole bedtime routine for the first time.

I remember so clearly rocking for what seemed to be hours ... And singing all her favorite songs that she still loves now. "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", "Jesus Loves Me", "Amazing Grace" ... And now she sings those songs to me. I remember the books we read that were so graciously given by friends and family. "Goodnight Moon", "Twas the Night Before Christmas (yes, year round!), "10 Little Ladybugs", "Ladybug Girl" ... These are all books she still enjoys and we've added even more! Whole milk now replaces breastmilk and formula. Cups now replace bottles. Nightgowns are the new "onesies".

But I know each night, when I rock her to sleep ... she hasn't changed to me. She still cuddles and nestles close to my heart, still flutters her precious eyelids as she falls asleep and still holds my fingers as I lay her in the bed.

Me and Kendall, July 2008

I don't want to forget any of these moments and I certainly don't want to change our bedtime routine (all the moms out there TOTALLY understand). But what happens when she walks over to her bed and gets in by herself? Will I cry? Will I smile and breathe a sigh of relief? Or will I run to pick her up so I can do those precious honors?

One thing I know that I will do ... As I close the door (and put up the gate for fear she will walk out on her own as well!), I will quietly thank God for each night He gives us together. With the crib ... and without.

Freedom Found

It's a few days past the official Independence Day, but I'm quite certain I've found my meaning of freedom. It comes in several shapes and sizes. Each meaning has its own history, but let me share with you my thoughts.

On the surface, freedom is being able to say I love you to that special someone(s) anytime you want, as I referred to in my last post. At any given moment, I am fortunate enough to have someone I can whisper "I love you" too and know that he - or she - can whisper something that at the very least, mildly resembles a loving response. That my friends, is not just freedom, but the truest love I know on this earth.

As a worldly view, freedom is fighting for the blessings we see in America each day. I have a very special friend who's husband is about to go somewhere overseas to protect the very freedoms that we - as humans - sometimes take for granted. For my friend, freedom is a sacrifice. It's saying goodbye to her truest love, but standing strong for all that he believes. That is not just freedom. That is not just love. That is strength. And if you're reading this my friend, I admire you and will be here for you whenever you need me.

But what I've ultimately learned these past few days, is that freedom goes beyond our wildest dreams. Okay, yes ... I may have had a tough morning with Kendall as she went to her cardiologist. She screamed, kicked and cried when the stethoscope came her way. But the end result ... "We'll see you in a year!" is what the doctor told us. What that means is her heart is strong, she is healthy, and he sees no need for further intervention for at least 12 more months. I have a sense of freedom in knowing that she is quite healthy. I pray for the children who don't get to hear those words and my own heart goes out to the parents, grandparents and friends who feel let down at times. Know that there is hope. Look closely, and you will find a glimmer.

So here's my heart-2-heart for today... Look around you. Take stock. When I come home from work, I may feel tired and exhausted, but I know the best part of my day is just about to start. And though the "mommy, mommy hold me" statement can make me crazy at times, I'd trade it for nothing. You know why? I can tell her I love her and my hug gets even tighter. That's what I fight for. That's the freedom that touches me to my core.

It's a mom thing...Right?

It's here. My first "official" blog. Why blog? And why call my blog Heart-2-Heart? Well, I'm going to take you on a small journey of me and the life I live and have lived. No, it's not all going to be in 1 blog entry. I'm hoping you'll stick around for a grand journey. And you know what... we may all learn something somewhere along the way.

So... Welcome back, I should say. I'm Kimberly. I'm not a beginner with the whole "WEB" thing. I've been doing websites and working with social media for a while now. It makes a lot of sense for me, mostly because of my love to write.

The first thing I want to do is talk about my kid. Yeah, yeah, yeah... That's what all parents want to do. My kid does this, my kid says that, my kid knows your kid...

But really... it's my Heart-2-Heart with you.

You see, my kid is 2. She, like all humans, definitely has a heart. But hers is a little different. Hers is special. When she was 2 months old, we found out she had a very rare and serious congenital heart defects. 3 of them actually. She underwent open-heart surgery and by the grace of God and a skilled team of doctors, nurses and overall miracle workers, she survived and continues to thrive in the world around her. She is considered a miracle. She is loved by many. And though it was a tough time during her diagnosis and surgery ... she is a child that has changed many a life around her.

Meet Kendall Elyse. She just turned 2 a few weeks ago (evident from her picture - partaking of her splendid Elmo birthday cake) and is the most spectacular "kid" I know. She is every bit a 2-year old (one minute she's telling you she loves you the next minute she is lying on the floor screaming because her shoe fell off!). I have found myself counting to 10 for my own sanity more often than not. But nevertheless, her good moments completely outweigh the tough ones.

Because I'm not in a true reflection mood right now, let me ask a question for myself and whoever else wants to chime in. I want to think about the response and discuss more later.

As we approach Independence Day ... we all celebrate freedom. Freedom of religion, freedom of speech... a lot of real liberties. But as a mom, what type of freedom do I most value? Is it the freedom to tell someone I love them anytime I want? Is it the fact that I can read the Twilight series over and over again without someone telling me no? Or do I value the freedom I get after Kendall's bedtime - time I can "free" my mind?

I'm not sure yet. I'm going to think about it. And after I think about it, I'll have another Heart-2-Heart.

I hope you'll join me as we explore together.