Big girl and all that goes with it.

So most of this morning was a blur. What I do remember clearly is Kendall screaming "I WANT TO DO IT"... or my favorite, "GO AWAY. I CAN DO THIS ALL BY MYSELF!"

Yes, the life of a very independent and defiant 3-year old. Of course, for the most part, the cute, self-reliant and outgoing Kendall that we know and love is there and hasn't left. But what does take over many hours of the day is the tough 3-year old that she is becoming.

And as tough as it is at the "heat of the moment", I wouldn't trade it for the world!

Kendall "approves" of her new bed!

Our new reading routine without the rocker.

Fast forward to taking her toddler bed out of her room and the rocking chair. Add Kendall's drama with my own emotional breakdown and it was a total mommy-break down kind of day.

The cherished memories of her "toddler" room are still with me and I'm happy to say that the bed and rocker are in a very special home tonight with a very special family. That I have no regrets. But, putting her twin-size bed together and moving furniture around in this room that used to comfort our "baby", got to me tonight.

As I piled up her stuffed animals, I realized that the first day of kindergarten...1st grade...middle school...high school... college...and even perhaps marriage and grandchildren ... I'm going to be Kleenex beloved customer. For all the moms (and dads!) out there who've already been there or getting ready for that, I don't know how you managed to get through those times!

Each time we make a big step with Kendall, I get so excited. But those memories of what was still linger. Though we had a bit of a tough road her first few months of life, I still feel very strongly about those precious times as a young family.

But we're getting into big-girl land. There's still a lot more to look forward to. But my heart2heart tonight is this... We must hold tight to where we've been, but keep looking forward to the road ahead.

As I kissed Kendall tonight in her big-girl bed, I held the tears back. I lingered a little longer and gave her one more I love you ... and then walked from her room. As I shut the door, I lingered. But I knew she was ready. And if she is, so am I. To the second half of the "3's" ... bring it on. It may not be easy, but the  journey will be worth it.

End of toddler? Not quite.

We kissed Kendall good night tonight just like any other night. I read her favorite bedtime stories in our chair and sang and put her in her bed. We did our usual night nights, kisses, hugs and even squeaks (we squeak like little night time mice). But as I walked out her door and closed it behind me, I couldn't help but think of that same feeling a year and a half ago.

One of the first posts I did for Heart2Heart was a milestone - from the crib to the toddler bed. It was exciting and sad at the same time. You all followed with me those emotions and maybe even a few tears as we bid adieu to the "baby" era. Tomorrow, Kendall will wake up in her toddler bed. But tomorrow night, she will (likely?) go to bed in a big girl twin bed.

And not just ANY big girl twin bed either. This bed set was given to us by my grandparents. This was the twin bed I would sleep in when we would come down to Columbia and one that I cherished. MeMe would lay in bed with me and tell me the longest bedtime stories and sing to me until I was asleep. In fact, I think she sang so long that I never heard her finish stories or songs! Those are precious memories to me.

So, the bed comes with some special times and I pray we'll have even more.

Is this the end of our toddler phase? Very likely not (judging by recent behaviors!) but this certainly will be the end of an era. Will there be tears? Likely. Sad, happy, scared, excitement? Likely.

And Kerry & Jesse, if you're reading this, my special heart2heart is for you ... we wish you good night, sweet dreams and lots of special mommy-son moments to come.

New Therapy.

We all have that special thing we do when aggravations run deep or we need that "breather". 

Today, my new therapy came in the form of weeds. Yes, that manual labor, blood, sweat and tears kind of work that breaks your back after hours of pulling of weeds in your backyard. 

I knew I had a few minutes when Kendall was at a birthday party to spray some weed-killer and maybe get a few weeds pulled. I started out with the full goggles, mask and gloves and got a lot of the weeds killed. Then I went to our backyard. I think God had a little chore of his own for me.

The side of our backyard is only really seen by someone who may be at our kitchen sink and looking really close outside of the window. Oh yes, I am sure our neighbors see it constantly, but we all put blinders on things that look bad, right? But today, knowing I had some time to spare, took it upon myself to get the yard looking a little better before winter. 


Wow. Thicker than Amazon rainforests ... weeds abounding on the side of our yard, out of real "view" from most people. I knew what I needed to do. About an hour later, I saw a nearly 3-foot pile of weeds waiting to be taken far away from our home. 


The back-breaking work was tough. But with each weed I pulled, I began thinking about how God was using this. Soon, I was even chuckling at the absurdity of it all. Realizing that through my frustration with the endless amounts of weeds in my yard, I was also pulling the thorns from my own life. I was seeing what happens when we don't take care of our own hearts.

Not my weeds, but saw a lot of these in there.

Why is it that the easy weeds to pull are those that don't look that bad? Why is it that the hardest ones have thorns and roots that go many inches into the earth? I think we know why. It's easy to pull apart the things in our lives that we can quickly see and throw out. But we all may have things that pull at our inner core and take more than just a few hours of "cleaning" to completely purge.


I feel good that I have most of the weeds out of my yard. But what I look forward to the most, are the weeds I can pull out of my life all together. Looking at the huge pile sitting outside my kitchen window reminds me that God still is working in me. 


My heart2heart tonight is this: What do you do that shows you the things in your life that you want to work on? It takes the form of many things. But be sure to find some type of "therapy" that makes you think and makes you re-assess the things in your life that are growing and what is making your life a yard of weeds.


By the way, I'm not for hire. :) It's kind of a personal thing. 

There's a parable in Matthew that Jesus talks about weeds among the fields of wheat (Matthew 13:24). "...but while men were sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat and went away. But when the stalks of wheat sprouted and produced grain then the weeds also appeared...The one who sowed the good seed is the Son of Man; and the field is the world; now the good seed, these are the sons of the kingdom; but the weeds are the sons of the evil one..." 


And then in Proverbs 24:30, "I went past the field of a sluggard, past the vineyard of someone who has no sense; thorns had come up everywhere, the ground was covered with weeds,  and the stone wall was in ruins. I applied my heart to what I observed and learned a lesson from what I saw: A little sleep, a little slumber, a little folding of the hands to rest— and poverty will come on you like a thief and scarcity like an armed man."

Red flags. Welcome to parenthood.

I read this today and thought it would be appropriate:

Breathe Inhale. Exhale. Repeat. Sometimes all it takes is a moment to cool down.

You told your child to pick up all his toys and get ready for bed. Five minutes later when you check in, the toy cars are still all over. You feel your blood start to boil. You're on the verge of losing it. Turn around, close your eyes, and breathe. Take a moment to collect yourself -- and your emotions. Michelle LaRowe, author of A Mom's Ultimate Book of Lists, says, "Take a time-out. If you're worked up, you're only going to work up your child. Before addressing your child, take a deep breath and think through what you're going to say, calmly."

This came from a Parents website about how to stay calm when your child is anything BUT calm. I think I've needed quite a few timeouts recently. Over the past few weeks, Kendall has been Stubborn::Rude::Defiant::Unfocused:: Nonchalant


However, she has also been::Loving::Sweet::Understanding::Creative


So what's going on? The little Jekyll and Hyde routine is becoming our new normal and we're just not sure how she can be the most caring and sweet child and then turn around and come home from school with a "red flag" warning. I do know that we are not alone. I have been reading and listening to friends advice and doctors/experts opinions. It all makes sense. But I feel I may loose my own direction in the midst of it all.

The new minivan. :)

And as I rant about this new "discovered" element of parenthood, let me also tell you that I am officially a parent. While this may have technically happened when our little Kendall was conceived/born (whichever side of that fence you are on!), we are now a happy little minivan family. That's right folks. The purchase you swore you'd never make as your mom and dad drove you to school... that's right ... I did it. We bought our first minivan and boy, do we LOVE IT.

I think that's the sign that no matter what happens, you love being a parent. You don't care that you swore the minivan curse off 20 years ago or that you are using the parental phrases that you said would never work ... the fact remains that you are doing those things. And if you're like us, think they actually work. 


So here's my heart2heart, intended directly at myself. Welcome to parenthood. All the boogers, tears, pouty lips and fierce independence acts are still priceless. I'll take 'em. And I'll even enjoy the minivan. 

Because, at the end of the day, the hugs and cuddles in the rocking chair make the screaming fade away. I love you Mommy ... means the tears are worth it.

 

September 17, 2011

Reflecting Light

September 11, 2001

It began in Columbia, SC as a beautiful morning. One that I woke up thinking that I was going to call in to work and see if I could come in later. I just wanted a few hours to sit on my deck and be at peace. You see, for me, I was a completely different person back then. I was single and had just moved to South Carolina and was working at WIS-TV as an assignments editor. I worked 10am - 8pm and savored that time in the morning where I could see the sun. 

Before calling into work to see who was in and if I could come in around lunchtime, I turned on the television, my normal routine, to watch the Today Show around 8:30. Busy making my breakfast, I barely noticed the interruption that indicated something had happened in New York City, possibly the World Trade Center. They were showing live shots of fire coming out of the Twin Towers and before I knew it, the other plane had just crashed into the second tower. 


I honestly can tell you I really didn't know what to think at that point. I called into the station and said, I'm on my way. I knew by the way the the person talked and answered it was going to be a busy day. I still didn't truly understand what was happening or just how much that day would change... our world. 


As the day grew into evening and we were all working as local phone banks were setup, blood drives were created and interviews from all over the area were organized, the enormity of what was happening was just starting to set in. I don't remember what time it was that I went home, for it was far past any bedtime I would have set, but I know that the sun definitely was not shining and the light of the world, for me, had essentially been blown out. 


I hadn't shed a tear yet, but in the quiet of my apartment, I began to weep as I looked at the images and coverage of all that had and was taking place. I had already talked to my family early on, but I do remember calling my mom again and telling her how much I loved her and that I just wanted all of us to be together right then. 


A lot began changing for me, both personally and professionally. I knew that I had a spirit of wanting to help and be able to "pitch in" as needed. I developed that "put me in Coach" mentality. I was admittedly scared of what the world would look like after this, but I also thought about my own mortality. I shivered at the thoughts and shuddered at the images that those in the buildings, planes and areas that were hit and targeted. I was also enraged that any individual on this planet could conspire to do something so evil. 


However, what kept me grounded, was the compassion that reflected in the absence of it all. We were all broken. But we looked to each other for healing. For many of us, we relied on faith, hope and love.


September 11, 2011
I literally woke up from a dream about the WTC events from 9/11/01. It was a bit surreal, but I dream very vividly so I wasn't that surprised.


But today, I spent some time reflecting on my life these past 10 years. Sure, I have changed ... I am now married with a beautiful 3-year old that God has blessed us with. I still love television, but I am now in marketing and public relations without having to worry about odd 2nd or 3rd shift hours. I still have the "whatever it takes" mentality, both personally and professionally.


Yet what continues to amaze me, is the Faith that I have, that no matter what ... no matter what violent or non-violent end my life will have, that God is in control. Many of us, including myself, questioned at the time - Why would God do this to us? Maybe I'm still scratching my head a little, but I now know, He didn't leave us broken. He gives us the sun to keep shining. He shows us our neighbors to lean on. He provides the tools we need to keep up our daily lives. He enriches our lives and can touch the hardest of hearts. 


As spoken in my Sunday School class today, Romans 8, "¹⁸ I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. ¹⁹ For the creation waits in eager expectation for the children of God to be revealed. ²⁰ For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope ²¹ that^[h] the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the freedom and glory of the children of God."

My heart2heart tonight, love each other. We don't know what tomorrow will bring. May His light reflect in all we say and do.

I heard this song tonight and it just got me thinking about how there is Hope in the brokenness. It's from Selah and called Hope of the Broken World.

Blurry vision: Need a clear path

When things get busy, I can see how life gets a little blurry. Add your active child and you just went off the charts. I had quite the conversation with Kendall this weekend. It begged for me to immediately talk about it to someone, but I just let it run through me over and over. I think after about 24 hours, I'm ready to talk about it. (which means blogging too..)

I thinking tonight about the things God is putting in my life. I cherish the blessings that He is showing. I am trying to cherish those He isn't showing. It's tough you know ... being a full-time working mom who is wanting to serve God in all she does. 


I listen and act but I fear that in my "busyness", I am not finding time to remember what is around me. I love my second semester of teaching and serving as a guide to new students at the University. Seeing them reminds me of the adventure I used to have in my teens and 20's and looking at the world with huge potential. 


I'm excited to begin a new chapter in my community involvement as I continue to work with Palmetto Hearts. I think God has some big things planned for our heart families. We are all walking testimonies to the "second chances" that God gives us and even in grief, it is amazing to see God's love still shining.


I'm learning how to be a little more patient as I work with more 3 and 4 year olds in Kendall's Sunday School class. I'm seeing that she's not the only one going through sharing "challenges" (for lack of a better word!) and that despite how adorable and sweet the other children are, moms will always think their child is the MOST adorable and SWEETEST child on earth. And you know what, there's nothing wrong with that. It's a mom thing. We are made to love our child, as unconditionally as we know possible on this earth.


In learning my patience limits, I really do see Kendall as our one and only. It brings me to realize that I really do hear God's voice in that message. While He wants to keep me busy with many of life's demands, I can still hear the smallness of His word.

When things get blurry for me, I try to find something that gives me some clarity. So, I decided to take a little time on a busy Sunday afternoon to watch a movie (a REAL movie, not animated and no princess crowns!) with Kendall. It's called Letters to God. I knew it would be a tearjerker and it completely lived up to that standard. I had an idea of the storyline and I had read a lot about the movie. I'm not quite sure why I decided that Sunday afternoon was the time and place for it, but again, I'm not always in control am I? :) 

Well it was in the middle of the movie (and surprisingly Kendall was sitting on the couch with me ... being STILL!), when Kendall asked me, "Where is God Mommy?". Thus began a conversation that still is on my heart.

• Me: "Well sweetie, God is wherever we want Him to be. He can be in our hearts if we want. That's where He wants to be."
• Kendall: "Is Jesus there?"
• Me: "Jesus likes to be near his daddy. Just like you like to be near your mommy and daddy. So, I guess Jesus can be there too."
• Kendall: "So God and Jesus are in my heart?"
• Me: "If you want them there, then yes."
• Kendall: "Well I do. Where do they live now?"
• Me: "They live in their home, in a place called Heaven. It's perfect up there."
• Kendall: "I want to go."
• Me: "I want to go too sweetie, but we'll stay here for a while, okay?"
• Kendall: "Okay mommy. Was God and Jesus in my heart during my surgery?" (She has recently started asking a lot about her surgery..)
• Me: "Yes they were." 
• Kendall: "And you prayed for me?"
• Me: "Yes. Many many many people did. You were a miracle. God loved you and He healed you."
• Kendall: "Okay mommy. Thank you for praying."

As tears swelled in my eyes and my heart leapt a few million times, she then jumped off the couch and started playing with Barbie and Ken again.

As I sat there in complete shock of the conversation that had just happened, I felt truly numb. What had just happened? She's always curious about her heart surgery and has recently been asking about people praying. The enormity of all this washed over me and I pushed it aside for a little while. Until tonight, when my vision cleared a little and I am able to see a little better perhaps what to make of it.

I realize just how busy we can all become in our day to day without stopping to think about just how simple living can be. It can be as simple as knowing that God lives in us. That Jesus is very much like us and wants to be near his Father. That we should all live with happiness in our hearts. It is childlike faith for which we should aim.


I think about that conversation now. A few hours ago, there were so many "things" going on and how the details seemed so stressful. Now, I think about the time I have with my family. My heart2heart, forget the details, for now. "Take a little time for God" ... as so beautifully sung below.

Impact

As I begin preparing for a new semester of teaching, I decided it was probably time to read the book that our students are asked to read. I'm quite a bookworm and love to read, but somehow, having a very active (and seriously adorable!) 3-year-old seems to wipe most of my book reading aside. 

Alas, the time has come to begin reading ... (silence) ...Can you hear the crickets chirping? 

Yup, that's what's been happening all summer long. While I've read a number of other books, I just couldn't seem to pick up the book, so I decided, with some sage advice, to watch the movie/documentary first. I thought I knew the plot already and figured out how I wanted to incorporate it in my class. But after the movie, once again, I've found a little different direction.

The book is No Impact Man by Colin Beavan (http://noimpactman.typepad.com/). It's about a man and his wife and 2-year old daughter who live a year with "no impact" on the environment, while living in New York City. While they allow themselves small allowances along the way, they succeed. They live without taking out the trash, use cloth diapers, wash their clothes in their bathtub, take public transportation, and even live without electricity for half the time. Many of the things they did I could not imagine myself even considering, but what I am considering are they things they lived WITH instead of WITHOUT.

They lived WITH Each Other. 
Do we really know the impact of living with each other? I mean, really learning how to spend time with someone without the distraction of a television, a phone, a mobile device or a computer?  What happens during a storm when the lights go off? We run to our cell phones, right? What happens when the cell phones are missing? We panic, right? I'm not talking about trading in lights or phones, but consider for just a moment, spending time with the people we love without the noise. For me, that's an evening of Candyland and hide-and-go-seek or music by candlelight as Billy plays his guitar and Kendall beats on the drum. 


They rewrote their Values.
What was once important for them, became a distant memory and a life that once was. What emerged was their focus on their family and the things that brought them together in the first place. They quickly realized it wasn't about eating at all the right restaurants. Rather, it was about eating together and learning the importance that we truly are what we eat. 

So my takeaway, my heart2heart is this ...
What is our own impact? For Colin and his family, it was about having little to no impact on the environment which in turn, created quite an impact for people reading about his lifestyle.


For me, I am re-discovering my impact. Several things in the past few weeks have shown me that God is truly in control of my life and He is guiding my impact. He keeps proving over and over again that no matter what I feel the problems and solutions are, only He knows the answer. Only He can show me the way to live the life He has planned for me.


For fear of being too vague, let me give you a real situation. About a month ago, when I was sick with a pretty high fever, I had a little conversation with God. He told me that I needed to be involved more with children. I naturally thought of my church's children ministry. For those who know me well, they should know this is not my own thought or desire. I knew it had to be from God. A week or so later, I had a chance to talk to someone about getting involved in my church's children's ministry. I talked myself out of that conversation and instead "ignored" that voice and told myself they probably didn't need my help after all. 


A week or so later, a dear friend asked me to move in a more leadership role for a special non-profit group that I volunteer with, Palmetto Hearts. This is a group who helps support South Carolina children and families that have congenital heart defects (like what Kendall was born with and is our miracle baby!). I knew this was part of God's recent "voice" so I'm moving in that direction.


Then, just last week, I received an email from the children's ministry asking me to help in Kendall's Sunday School class after a sudden medical emergency for one of her teachers ... for 4 weeks! I stepped up to the plate for that with a loving heart. And now, in the past 2 days, I've been asked to consider helping in at least 3 other children's ministry opportunities! God continues to put more in my path.


You see my friends, this is not fate. This is the fire that God is putting in my heart. He is wanting that warmth to spread. I honestly do not believe I would have come to this desire on my own. I know this is something God is wanting me to do.

While I am still considering and praying about the new directions God is leading me towards, I know this much... He is calling me to Impact. Maybe Colin Beavan's impact is a lot more than he set out with. I'm not sure what this means for me and quite honestly, I'm a little scared. I'm no longer following my path. I'm following the path He is charting for me. 

I share this video with you because recently, the more I ask for His help in things, the more He shows me His way, even if it is through others and their journeys or in the form of emails and text messages. I find a way to Him.



 

...And Faith Will Lead You Home.

This may be a short post, but there's a lot within what I want to say tonight. I want to tell you something "amazing"  this evening.

I've been quite an emotional momma today, thinking about the journey that has led me here and the journey that I know God has planned for me. I started crying this morning on my way to work just thinking about how much I love my daughter and my family. I've even started reading a book that I'll share with you in a later post, that reminds me just how God shares His Light to all of us, especially in the littlest of smiles and cries for Mommy.

Tonight, I was blessed to go to the first of a 6-week women's bible study with the women of my Sunday School class. I was very excited. The special 2-hours I had with the group didn't disappoint. I felt in "the bubble" - and I think most of you may know what that means, but I just felt ...  held.

I left and it was dark and late. I was tired. And about 10 minutes later, I realized I wasn't anywhere I had been or should have been. I was hopelessly, completely lost. The home was in an area I wasn't familiar and it was pitch dark. Of course, everything I'd just heard flew out the window and panic struck. After utter panic, I finally got to a gas station and finally found where I needed to go. Once I found the interstate and my "way home", I turned back up the radio, where my iPod was playing. 

The song is below. We've heard them a million times. But it was this familiar section that came to life and rung more true than ever before:

 " ... I was once lost, but now I'm found ... and Faith will lead me home." 

I was crying, but this time, not in panic. In love. Remember, trust him. Faith will lead you home. My heart2heart.

Moving in"2" the "3"s ...

It was close to a year ago today that I made my first blog entry. A lot has changed, but fortunately, I've stayed the same, "true at heart." 

Heart2Heart started out of two different ideas:

1. My daughter had just turned 2 and I was trying to figure out how to cope with her getting older and the new "life" with a toddler.

2. I was also starting a new journey as an instructor for first-year students, teaching them about the University and life/study skills.

All in all, it was quite the journey. I've gone back and realized that a lot has happened. I'm beginning my second semester as a University 101 instructor. I've got a great semester planned and pray that God gives me the strength and compassion that are needed to help be the best influence I can on these young(ish) lives.

I've matured as a parent, but I'm also facing a different journey. After surviving the "terrible 2's", I now enter the gates of the 3's. Kendall turned 3 on June 15, a few days ago, and since then, we think we have a "theme" to this age: POWER and CONTROL. Oh yeah, let's not forget defiance!

But for all the headaches that I'm sure we're facing, I don't forget for one mili-second of the path we've taken and the joys that God has granted us, as parents, to have with her. Through defiance comes passion. Through power struggle comes independence. Through control issues come decision making.

Kendall, June 15, 2011: Turning 3

The laughs we share, the smiles we create and the numerous "I love you mommy's" that we hear daily ... I'll take all the headaches that this life throws our way. 

I look at her now and see God's image. I see His plan for me and our family. I see happiness, innocence and life. I'll take the pouty lip and tears to feel her hand in mine.

As we venture into Kendall's 3rd year and life as her mom, keep reminding me that all our hearts are made to love. My heart2heart to share with you tonight: Keep smiling. The tough times are here to help you remember that bright ones are right in front of you. God gives us blessings everyday.

I leave you with a special song that touches me because I realize that all that He makes, is beautiful.

Blessings.

There's much to be said for moms, especially moms of 2-year olds. I've realized that there is life beyond the "terrible" 2's and that of course, is the 3's. Should I be scared? Should I be anxious? Should I be relaxed? 


I think that none of the above are what I should do. What I feel led to do is to take each moment as it hits. I started this blog about a year ago to figure out life's lessons as a mom of a 2 year old. I wanted to find strength from a lot of different things. I think I made a few mistakes, but I also think that God has shown me a lot of new pathways and has armed me with my own "new" strength.


Sure, some people may think that I am strong, from what we've been through with Kendall. I can tell you, my faith is strong. I know that God has a plan for her and for all of us. I know she is a fighter and will live and love as God has planned for her.

As I begin planning for a 3rd birthday party (Thanking God we've all survived!), I'd like to think I've learned a little this past year. And some of it has been through this blog journey. Here's some of the main roads of this journey.

1. Curveballs: Life throws them frequently. Can we catch them all the time? Absolutely not. The ones that we don't catch will either fall under a weedy bush or someone else will grab them. My curveball happened with my first semester of teaching college students. I managed to grab a few "missed" shots. They hurt and were tough to catch. But I praise God for the few that got away.
2. Back in time: I'm often taken back in time and want to stay there. Some of those "back in time" moments are what some would call the rough times. For instance, I savor the peaceful feelings I had when Kendall was at MUSC undergoing open-heart surgery. Not because of what was happening, but with what God was doing in my heart and the hearts of those around me. I had the most peaceful feeling and there have been many times this past year I've had to remind myself that Kendall is an extraordinary little girl. I should look past the tantrums and be grateful I have tantrums to deal with.
3. Back to the future: So fast forward to the present and looking forward. I've often heard, begin with the end in mind. I - like most moms out there - work hard to make sure my child is the most loved and appreciated child. I can't always do this when she is screaming in the middle of Target. But, knowing the type of mother I want to be and the type of mother that I was raised by, I know that my actions are meaningful. I need to remind myself that there is an art in what I call "calm discipline."
4. Patience Revisited: Never before in my life has my patience been tried over and over. Sure, when I was searching for the person I would spend the rest of my life with, I kept hearing "Patience" ... but that word has a whole new meaning with a 2 year old. :)
   

   

   Kendall at NanNan & Grandpa Stewart's grave, May 2011

5. Full circle: As I visited the site where my grandmother (NanNan) was laid to rest nearly 6 years ago, I snapped a picture of Kendall at the site. I realized soon after, there was a picture of me, just a few years older than Kendall, taken at that exact spot, where my grandfather Stewart was buried. I realized then, that life continues to come full circle. There is a circle, and with God's grace, we will continue to make it revolve.
6. Remember those days: Ahh... remembering the days before having children? What in the world did we do with the time we had? I must have been then most unproductive person ever. Although now, I think I am still the most unproductive person, as I have baby pictures and mementos from these past 2 years still sitting in a box under my bed along with a (still in the wrapper) scrapbook and growth book. But here I sit, typing at a computer and contemplating life's mysteries through Facebook. The dust continues to settle on all those unfinished projects. I guess a few more months won't hurt.
7. Preserverence: I never thought it could be done, but I've kept up my goal to loose weight. I got a lot of momentum last year, but then the 2's happened and it just stopped. I picked it back up in January and have stuck with it, loosing nearly 20 pounds. I know there is still more to go, but I'm just happy that I've made it this far. And I can actually run more than a mile and not break a sweat (unless of course, it is middle of the afternoon in Hot-Lumbia, SC!). There's a lot of of life lesson's that can be learned in a nice jog or run, and even a Zumba workout. It's provided a ton of inspiration for me. 
8. A new day:  I've just put Kendall to bed in big-girl underwear. There's a lot more "life lesson" that I can cram in here but I think I'll just be happy with this evening. Tomorrow is a new day. We'll either have a load of sheets to wash or a bag of pull-ups that I'll have to give away. Carpe Diem. 

My blessings: my family at Easter.

I'll leave you tonight with these little takeaways, these heart2hearts that I've learned. Sure, there's a ton more. There's a lot of people who I've met this year and continue to build lasting friendships and relationships with along with the rocks I have in my life - my dear husband & family. I hold you all dear in my heart. You've helped me have faith in myself and keep me going. 

And one last thing ... as a song has recently reminded me, sometimes, the toughest times are God's greatest blessings.

... "We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough

And all the while You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe"...

"Blessings" - Laura Story

Easter tears, Special loves

As the Easter season is upon us, I think of my NanNan. For those who knew her, she brightened our hearts. I believe very strongly that she and Kendall met briefly during her time at MUSC undergoing heart surgery. I know that NanNan left a little of her own heart in Kendall's - I see that fight in her each day. I witness that special spark as Kendall laughs. I feel the love in each little kiss.


As I think about renewed life, I also carry a little sadness. It's a selfish feeling that I have because I miss my NanNan on this Earth. It's been 6 years since her untimely departure, but I know that where she is, there is nothing but love and warmth. 


So I share these thoughts with you this evening, my heart2heart for you tonight. It's not meant to bring tears (although they are running freely for me) but to remember those who have gone before us and to rejoice for where they are for eternity.

Me & NanNan, August 21, 2004

SPECIAL LOVE

You brightened my days.
You wiped my tears.
You held my hand when it was empty.
 
I know you are in a sweet place.
I know you are loved.
I know you love them.

But I miss you dearly.
I miss the way you smiled.
I want to hear you whisper that you love me.

As I grew, you never aged.
You were the same NanNan that held me.
You showered me with love and grace.

I hold onto that grace even now.
I hear you in the quiet times.
I laugh with you in the loud ones.

One day I'll see you again.
I'll tell you thank you for what you've left.
You'll tell me ... I already know my dear.
I already know.

Teacups

I've been wanting to hear something inspiring over the past few weeks to share with you all. As a mom, there are times when the most inspiring thing is "Mommy, I need some privacy in the bathroom" (aka going potty by YOURSELF! = big win). Did I really feel the need to share that with you? Probably not, but lately, the little things are pretty BIG inspirations when it comes to being a mom. 

When it comes to being a working mom, I can tell you that coming home each day to hear her say that is pretty inspiring. Knowing that during the day, I have a wonderful mother-in-law that keeps my child learning and a preschool program 3 times a week that keeps my child engaged is such a relief. I know that the moms out there can appreciate that. You work hard each day and come home to your little one knowing they are proud of YOU and you are proud of THEM.

But when it comes to ME - I've been searching for the inspiration. Oh yes, I find it everyday, but I've wanted to hear something to tell YOU. And today I did. 


As we were discussing our "work out" for salvation this morning in my Sunday School class (another blogpost I will share with you soon...), I know that somedays I just don't get it worked out. I go to bed realizing what have I done today? What type of impact did I leave with my colleagues and friends? Many times, it's not that great. Sometimes I feel quite exhausted thinking about the many times I should have shared God's word or allowed Him to work in me. I am tired just thinking about all those times. How in the world am I supposed to "work out" my salvation while I'm working 8-5, cooking, cleaning, wiping runny noses, giving "privacy" to my 2-year old and reading "Crazy Hair Day" for the 3rd time? 


As one of the ladies in our class said so elegantly, it's like a teacup. God continues to give us all the things we need to put into our cups. It is so much that it runs over ... spills over is more like it! What is left that spills out, He intends for us to give out. Keep the love that only He can fill into our bodies. The rest is His gift to the rest of the world. That is what we should let loose into the world. Know that He will always be pleased with His children. 


Think about how we are with our own children. Yes, they drive us mad but we are proud of them, no matter how many legos are on the floor, or how many times we have to find those missing Barbie shoes, or how we will only find that missing puzzle piece at 6am as we blindly walk across the kitchen floor, barefoot, in search of coffee. 
 
We love them. No matter what. The coffee that spills out of our teacups is a mere reminder of the love that God has for His own children. My cup runneth over. 

My heart2heart is this: Cheers. May the love that God gives to me spill over into the lives that I impact tomorrow.

You Spoke. I Listened.

Something happened today that was quite remarkable. I will leave the specifics out because they aren't as important as what followed.

For believers, listening to God is something we strive for every day. But doing what He tells us is a tougher walk. We all struggle. I feel like I struggle a lot these days. But I have been listening. And today, it made sense. 

A few weeks ago, I was given a spiritual choice. At the time, it was easy to make. I had reasons for making that decision. And when You spoke, I listened. My reasons for listening were different then, but now, it makes sense. For when You spoke, I truly heard You and followed Your direction. Tonight, I feel Your presence. You led me somewhere and though I thought I knew what that direction would look like, it wasn't. It was more meaningful than I ever thought possible.  Your direction has changed me. I pray it will continue to work in me like a stream moving to the sea. I pray that You will continue to use my branches to become the vine that You have created. 

Thank you God for blessing me with Your presence today.

I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. ² He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. ³ You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. ⁴ Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me. - JOHN 15

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. ⁷ And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.  - PHILLIPIANS 4

My special heart

February 7 - 14 ... For most people, we are getting ready for that special person who makes our heart beat a little stronger or we're wishing for one that does ... All the hustle and bustle that consumed us during the Holidays is happening again, but for the Valentines in our lives.

But February 7 - 14 means a little different "something" to me and thousands of other families. It's a week where we remember just how special that "heart" really is and just how fragile and breakable it can become. It's National Congenital Heart Defect awareness. And it's something I remember daily. For the next few days, I want to bring you our special story.

I wrote the following for a magazine essay contest. I want to share it with you.  Though I didn't win that award, I have the greatest gift on this earth - my sweet Kendall. Thank you GOD for what you've done in my life and what You continue to do in those around us. And for all of you, my heart2heart tonight is to take a few minutes to read this and go to http://www.palmettohearts.org. And squeeze your loved ones a little extra, knowing just how special their heart is to you.

Becoming, 9/3/2009

Honeymoon in Jamaica, August 2004

Miracles happen every day. Hearts are broken every hour. Knees fall to the floor every minute. A baby cries every second. And in the blink of an eye, my life changed in unbelievable ways.

I’m 31-years old, married to the love of my life and am a mom to a beautiful one-year old daughter. I feel like I have the world at my fingertips with an amazing journey ahead. But getting here was no easy task. Not only did I know the instant I had grown up, but I knew my life and the life of our family would forever change. I’ll always be a child of God. But on this earth, I will continue to grow into the woman He wants me to be.

I always thought life would be easy. Go to school, get into college, get a job, find “Mr. Right”, marry and have children. And nearly all of those were “easy”, as I had faith that God would lead me in the right direction. Up to the having children part, I had everything going “my” way.

Kendall, 6/15/08

After some obstacles of getting pregnant, my husband and I were blessed with a beautiful daughter, Kendall Elyse, on June 15, 2008.  She was a tiny beauty at only 5 pounds 13 ounces and the weeks following her birth were magical. Yes, it was definitely tough, with sleepless nights and endless feedings. But we got through it. Yet at 6 weeks and barely 6 pounds, we knew something wasn’t right.


I remember the day like it was yesterday. August 4th 2008 – I was planning to return to my job in a few days but I decided to bring Kendall to the doctor, as she wasn’t eating very well. Oddly enough, I felt it was necessary to bring my husband with us. After her weight was checked with no growth, our pediatrician walked in. “Your daughter has what we consider ‘failure to thrive’. We’re admitting her to the hospital for testing and observation.”

My face became devoid of all color. I looked toward my husband. I had never seen him so scared and frankly, I was terrified myself.  Then, after hours of testing and waiting, the news came. It was devastating. “Your daughter has a rare heart defect. She is very sick. She needs immediate invasive open-heart surgery.”

Kendall, MUSC, August 2008

She had 3 different defects:
    •    Open PDA: A small valve called a Patent Ductus Artery (PDA)  that is supposed to close soon after birth remained open. This valve is very small and with hers being open, a lot of blood that was supposed to get to her body was only going through a very narrow opening, creating high pressure build up in her lungs.
    •    AP Window: This was a condition in which there was an opening in the aorta and pulmonary valve leading to her heart. It created a window between the two leading to blood getting mixed. Non-oxygenated blood was getting into her body which could be life threatening.
    •    Interrupted Aortic Arch: The part of her aorta, which was supposed to send blood to the lower parts of her body and lungs, was missing. The only thing keeping her alive and blood flowing was her PDA that was kept open.  If the PDA were to close, her body would begin shutting down.

My world simply fell apart. Life was not supposed to be like this. I was supposed to be strolling in the park, scheduling play dates, cuddling with a happy and healthy little girl. Definitely not taking my daughter to a children’s hospital for open-heart surgery. It was this moment, this defining moment; I was no longer a child. I could either accept what God had planned for me or crumble around it.

The next hours were a whirlwind of emotion. Rage, fear, uncertainty, doubt and stress ran through me. I kept trying to turn to God and I prayed for faith to overcome my doubts and fears. But it never seemed to come.
We were at the Medical University of South Carolina (MUSC) Children’s Hospital for 15 days. On day 5, faith crept in. Just four days before her surgery, we had a special dedication for her. I started to recognize the blessings that I had around me. As broken of a heart that Kendall had and as my heart was breaking for her, I saw these pieces form a path. I was tired of looking at what I did not have. I was ready to face the road God had planned.

On August 13, 2009, the day of her surgery, I had the faith I needed. With the love, support and prayers from my husband, parents, family and friends, I went into that day armed with everything that God had graciously given. Though I was child of God, I was a grown woman, wife and mother … in this earthly world. 

During the six hours of surgery, I was filled with a peace I cannot describe. It’s a peace that to this day, I still long for. When I am at my lowest, I go back to that place in my life, and I am reminded of awestruck wonder and the serenity that only God provides. I was in constant prayer and listening to music that still resonate within me.

Kendall, MUSC, post-surgery, August 2008

With the grace of God and His healing hands, Kendall made it out of surgery successfully. She went into the next days and weeks with a fight that amazed doctors. I don’t want to forget however, that it was tough still. There was that unshakable fear that something wrong would happen at any second. Yet, I knew God would not let us down. And He didn’t.

Today, Kendall is a very active and vivacious one-year old. Her fight is one of the many qualities that we love. Anyone who meets her instantly knows that she is special.

So this isn’t just about when I knew I’d “grown up”. It’s about how we all must grow to meet the challenges in our life. I could have crumbled and gotten through this without faith. But I don’t want to know where that path would have led.

Each day, we get stronger. Each hour, we pray harder. Each minute, we grow more confident. Each second, we are blessed with miracles. And in the blink of an eye, we simply, become.

Welcome Back. There's Lots to See Here.

I was afraid of this. Starting a blog and not keeping up with it. My few followers may have been anxiously awaiting my next post and three months later, well, you have it. You'll notice I even have a new look for my blog and a few tunes to allow your own mind to get a glimpse of mine. No longer am I bound by "instructor" obligations to keep up my posts, but rather by my own desire to not lose myself while raising my beautiful (and active!) 2 year old.

Kendall, Nov. 210 | Photo courtesy: Kerry Everett

Being that I only have less than 6 months to say that, I'm not sure whether to feel a sense of happiness (that we all survived the 2's) or a sense of anxiety (what is to come in the 3's). For those who know me well, you can rest assure that I've already got the 3rd birthday party planned. We skipped past the 2 year birthday party (we did celebrate with family, just not a big party) and are ready to "tackle" the 3rd. 

So here's what I have learned over the past 3 months:

1. I got through my first semester ever of teaching University 101 and was even nominated for outstanding teaching award. I learned a lot about myself and even more about first year college students. A lot more than I learned my first semester at UNC! Lesson here: Grade with my eyes and not my heart. I put a lot of faith in one of my students and was horribly let down.
2. Though I began playing the piano again for a special friend's wedding in October, I haven't picked it back up since. Lesson here: Maybe playing piano actually helps spark some extra creativity and life pondering moments. 
3. Potty-training works when your child is ready. We've conquered both numbers at home and away and even during trips! Lesson here: Let the little one let you know when she's ready. We're hoping that is the case for the nighttime training.
4. Even though you don't spend money on diapers anymore, it definitely doesn't affect your bank account. There's always something coming next. Lesson here: Save the diaper money for extra toddler sheets.
5. We've all started eating healthier and I'm even more committed in getting back in shape. I've started a program that holds me accountable for inches, pounds, percentages and meters. Lesson here: I can't focus on my have nots. Rather, I will focus on the lifestyle that I can have.

So there you have it. A few things that have happened and a few more to keep my small followers with their own heart-2-hearts.

Before I finish this post, here's something that brightens my day. There are people in this world that continue to find ways to bring hope and compassion to those around us ... A colleauge who meets someone on the streets and offers to help them and gives them their last $20 ... Another mom who invites another mom to a Sunday School class in hopes they will find meaning ... A daughter who will call you princess no matter what you look like or the day you've had. 

These small actions lead to big things my friends. Placing hope in our hearts everyday.