A new "me"

It's been a few months since I posted anything new, and I feel that a new "me" is emerging. 

If having our house on the market wasn't stressful enough, I've added to the mix getting our next house ready, planning for a new semester of teaching, planning a major event for IABC Southern Region, helping organize a Palmetto Hearts event,  and have had a few emotional struggles that have really taken my breath away.

It's as though God has been preparing me these past few months for the struggles that our family is going through.
 
The big one ... my MeMe was taken Home on August 1st of this year. A month ago, my heart was both breaking and leaping, knowing that she was no longer here on this earth, but was home rejoicing with her Heavenly Father. She died peacefully, and at home, with my grandfather right by her side. We were all blessed by her while she was living and I feel even more blessed with her in Heaven giving me a laugh and a smile. That comforts me.

I'll tell you why I feel even more blessed now.

My grandfather (PaPa) is still here with us. He misses her every day, every second. But he hasn't changed. He still has that infectious laugh and happy spirit and I know that will never leave him. I feel that is a part of her that is still in him. The time I spend with him I treasure and I know to not take for granted.

I know she is smiling down on us and giving us a thumbs up. We'd been on a waitlist since April of this year to find out if Kendall had gotten into a Montessori 4K program. By August, we'd all but given up. Still, she had a good school to continue to go to starting in the Fall, but we were hoping she'd get a boost on Kindergarten in this Montessori program. 

Do you know, that a few days after MeMe died, we got the call from the school that a slot freed up and that Kendall was next in line for the program! It's like God was telling us that He had this covered. 

This summer I was also in a Beth Moore bible study on James. So much has been going on in my heart since that began, but the verse that stands out the most to me is James 1:2-4, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, ³ because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. ⁴ Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

For me, this is our family right now. We face many "trials" but I am working to create joy in this, as I know that God is working in us and there is a bright future ahead. I see this in so many things each day.

So, I post this as a new "me". I'm still Kimberly. I'm still Kendall's mom, our little 4-year old who is now in school - 4k Montessori. I still cry at the tender moments and laugh at the funny ones. I'm Billy's wife of 8 years and continue to fall more in love with him each day. I'm God's child, and a sister and brother to many more. But I'm me ... with a renewed heart and eager desire to look my trials square in the eye, and grin. 

Some pictures from the past few months!

First day of 4k, Aug. 27, Funny Faces!

Right before going into the classroom... A little nervous!

A beautiful dinner, "Jamaican" style, celebrating 8 amazing years with my husband!

This is actually from 2007, but it shows my MeMe, along with my mom and PaPa, at my graduation (Masters of Mass Communication) celebration

This is MeMe, in July 2008 with a 1-month old Kendall! MeMe loved Kendall!

Is she really 4?

I'm still kind of in shock. My baby girl is 4. Cuddling in my arms is now snuggling up on the couch and holding princesses. Sweet toothless grins are now happy laughing mouths with a full set of baby teeth. Soft plush toys have been replaced with larger than life dolls and a full family of Barbies. The tub, once an oasis of squeezie things is now a sea of mermaids, fishies and swim things. 

Four years ago, I was in a hospital bed, full of innocence in what this sweet little baby girl would be for us. My worries of when to nurse, who was changing her diaper and where were her diapers consumed us, as they do for new parents. We couldn't look past the next day, let alone four years from then.

Kendall Elyse South, June 16, 2008

Yet, look at us now. A few gray hairs later, along with a myriad of scars, bumps and bruises, we're still keeping up. I look at Kendall's newborn pictures, her month old pictures and even some tough pictures of when we found out she had a heart defect and our trip and her surgery at MUSC. I look at her now and see how she has grown. She is more beautiful than I ever thought possible and I know my own heart will need mending if I ever have to let her go, which I pray is never. 

I also think about my friends and family. Those who were there for us then, are still with us today. Though I may not talk or see everyone as much as I would like, they remain in my heart and many times, on my mind. The bonds we share have left a permanent mark. I fall back on those bonds many times.

So yeah. Kendall is 4. She may know how to potty by herself and figure out all of our mobile devices, but she's still our baby. She's still that little miracle that we keep trying to understand. And while I want to speed up that learning process, I also want to hit pause a few times as well.

Kendall Elyse South, June 15, 2012

My heart2heart is this. Learn and love. Keep trying to figure out what will make the ones you love happy. Learn those patterns. And as a dear friend reminds me, "rinse and repeat." 

Happy Birthday my dear sweet Kendall. You may feel like you're all grown up with your barbies and books, but you'll still be our little ladybug who gives us hope in miracles. Love you baby!!! 

This song, Angel by your Side, gives me some inspiration this evening as I think about those around us who are angels, and for those we can be angels to. I truly feel that God has blessed us with many angels, on earth and Above, that have given our life a true meaning. 

Watch, Listen & Learn

In the past 6 months, I've been a little silent on my blogging. But I've still be watching, listening and learning. More importantly, I've been waiting. And I'm learning to be patient.


With all of her energy and zest for life, Kendall has been a bundle of joy for us. She continues to amaze us in the love she has for life and those around her. 


It's not easy though. We've been dealing with some behavior issues and struggling with disciplining her. What works? What doesn't? To spank or not to spank? Time out for 2 minutes or 5 minutes? No TV or just a little TV? Nick Jr or PBS Kids? It's a lot to try and figure out on your own. 


And it's not just being parents that is frustrating. While dealing with both the little and big decisions of raising Kendall, we also have to make sure we - as married parents - are doing the right things with our lives, our finances, our home, our careers and that we keep on the right journey. 


This one thing I am sure of ... God is leading us. Each decision that we make I can feel Him near us. 


The decision to help lead a special non-profit group, Palmetto Hearts, is one of those decisions that I do not regret. We help, support and connect families across South Carolina who have children with congenital heart defects. We've had a few big events so far this year and each has come with hard work from our board members, but have resulted in blessings that only God can create.


Another thing that God has revealed to me is that there is help and guidance if we ask. I've constantly been asking for answers and direction for being a mom. Not only am I a mom, I have to realize I'm a mom of a little girl who is blessed to be alive. Not that she should have extra privileges, but I also have to realize that while she was on a heart/lung bypass machine at 2 months old, she also was not receiving the normal oxygen to her brain. These are the times that babies are having major brain development and though it was only for less than a day, we are not sure what that may have caused down the road. She is smart and brilliant and the only way you would know she had any obstacles in her life, is the beautiful mark on her chest. But that beautiful mark is proof that God made her different. I can't compare her to the "growth chart" or a normal "developmental" chart. I need to make sure that her development is on a chart for her. And ultimately, we live the life that God has made for us, not for the one we create for ourselves.


This being said ... my heart2heart is this. If we wait, if we watch, if we listen, we will learn. Our answers may not be heard with a megaphone, but they are there. 


I have many friends and family facing difficult decisions and events. But know that someone out there is listening ... and praying for you.



Waiting Here for You on You Tube, by Kristy Nockles: http://youtu.be/em8EAHrW9fY